how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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