No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
