She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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