I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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