Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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