Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
