my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
