FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
