Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
