Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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