im about as happy as oj after his trial
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
