I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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