His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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