when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
