Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
