Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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