I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
