I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
