why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
