im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
