Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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