Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
