Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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