5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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