the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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