I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
