I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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