yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
