wrigley field is MILF paradise
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I did not marry a roomba.
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