ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
