I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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