You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
did i walk over a car last night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
