...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
