i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
