you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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