I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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