why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
