He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
