We're facebook friends in real life
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
