I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
