When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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