i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you inspire me to be a worse person
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
