Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
