I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
