had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
