so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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