So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
