Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Randomize
