Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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