WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
