She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
