Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
