Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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