I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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