Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
