after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
