he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
