the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She's the barista slut.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
