WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Fuck appropriateness.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
